My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
