I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
