Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
