the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
even my farts smell like vagina
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Boobs are out for the taking
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
