dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
