Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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