his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
