It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
