you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
