you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
