Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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