I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
