ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
