I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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