I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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