Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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