Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
