I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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