I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
