I hate your face
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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