I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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