Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
