my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
