I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
