He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
