I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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