nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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