I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize