Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize