just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
