You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
