i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
PANTIES FOUND
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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