Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
