Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
