You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
