What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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