Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
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