I wish I could teleport
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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