Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish they made helmets for livers.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
