did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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