i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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