Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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