I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
