i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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