I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
