i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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