just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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