so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
