Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
