If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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