apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
