508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
