Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
