I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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