the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
