Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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