i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize