I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
