I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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