that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
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