so that wasnt chicken after all
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
