The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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