The maid of honor just puked.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize