Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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