We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
