I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
