Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
