Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
