Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
